No fucking way. They’ll think I’m a pedophile.

“Well at least you’ll have free room and board for the rest of your life and I could sell the home and move into the condo I always wanted overlooking the canal.” said my mother.  “They’re your grandchildren for crying out loud.”

I, of course lay as flat to the floor as possible as the two Q-tips (old folks) went at it like two verbal jousting knights of grey-haired armor.

“They’ve got fast fucking little feet.  They can walk to the corner and I’ll meet the little shit disturbers there.” answered John.  “But I am not standing outside their school waiting for someone to arrest me.  An old fart like me hovering back and forth cowering at those fucking children coming out of school was not on my “things-to-do” list when I retired.  “Was being a huge pain in the ass, grumpy old fart who does nothing but complain about everything on that list?  Silence.  Then she added, “Have you ever liked anything?  Because nothing remotely construed as nice has ever come out of those flapping, stupid lips of yours.  I mean it.  Tell me what you’ve liked.”

Of course this was one of those questions I knew not to ask John.  But my mom was fearless with him.  Being married to him she was entitled to ask any question she wanted to at least get an answer out of him before she’d probably kick his teeth in.

“I like when you shut the hell up and leave me alone.” he responded.  She didn’t give him any way out, “I’d gladly do that.  Only it won’t work.  You’ll end up complaining that I don’t tell you to stop complaining.  So… what else makes you happy?”

He snapped “Not having to answer that stupid fucking question from some nagging old woman.”

I was really flat on the floor now.  If I ever wanted to be a small speck of dust on this planet, this was the time.  My mom then looked at me and said with a smile  “And now I’ll tell him to go for a walk to cool down.  Which he’ll do because he doesn’t want to deal with me questioning him about how much a pain in the butt he is because… he knows its true.  And the best part of it is that his walk will turn out to be the walk to the school to get his grandchildren.”

“I’m going for a God-damn walk” he shouted as he slammed the back door heading out.   My mom was fast answering “Don’t forget to go to the school to get your grandkids.”

We could hear him outside shouting back at her, “fuck the fucking little fuckers — ah shit, I might as well now that I’m doing this stupid walk thanks to you, you stupid old cow”

My giggling mom put her hand on my shoulder as I rose up from the floor and said, “You’d never guess that he was kicked out of anger management class would you.”


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